One Lump-Sum

Corporal Brown called to his friend Ezra. They were both sitting in the front seats of a jeep. “Hey, Ez, here’s a story for ya.”

“There was this Chinaman, see, and he was always borrowing things from his master.  You know, the GI he did stuff for, cleanin’ and stuff.  Anyway, this Chinaman would say, ‘I borrow ta’day, I pay back lump-sum.’ One day he would borrow some meat, the next day he would borrow some rice, next day something else.

Always he’d say, ‘I pay back lump-sum.’

“Well, days went by, see, and this Chinaman never paid back the stuff he got.  He took everything from C-rat’s to shoe-strings.  Always, ‘one lump-sum.’  Well, this GI, he gets to thinkin’, he says to himself, ‘ if this China-fella don’t start comin’ across, he going to owe me one tidy sum of rupes.  Some big bunch of dough this Chinaman owes his boss.

“Finally, this GI figure’s he better hit this servant of his up for some pay-back.  He says, ‘hey China, when you gonna pay back all this borrowin’?’  Chinaman says,’I pay back, soon! One lump-sum!’ GI says, ‘O.K., well, better be soon.  Or it’s gonna take one hell of a sum.’

“Two days later, Chinaman comes to his boss, and he says, ‘I kill goat today.  Tomorrow, I pay back, one lump-sum!’  GI says, ‘well, sure, China.’  GI wonders what killin’ a goat has to do with payin’ him back.  He’s anxious all day, see, waitin’ for the Chinaman to pay him back.  Gonna have him one good time with all that dough.

“Next mornin’, here come that Chinaman.  He and a pal are toting this stew-pot. You know, hangin’ from a stick, swung from their shoulders.  Anyway, the Chinaman comes up to his GI boss, and he says, ‘I pay today.’ GI says, ‘Good, China.  I been waitin’.’

“China says, ‘Good masta’, here, I pay.  Is good?’ At that, the Chinaman lifted the pot to reveal a huge mess of Chinese stirr-ed up cookin’.  GI says, ‘smells good, China.’

“Chinaman grins wide, see, and plucks a wooden spoon from his pocket, wipes it on his shirt-tail, and stirs the stuff.  He scoops up some of the stuff, and says, ‘you like?’  The GI, not so sure ’bout that spoon, takes a bite anyway.  It aint bad, he thinks.  But what about the pay-ola?

“‘O.K., China, the vittles are fine, but aint’ it about time you paid up?’  Chinaman smiled wider till his betel-red teeth shown like two rows of little cherries. Worms and all.  Anyway, The Chinaman handed the GI the spoon. ‘Here is! Best Lump-Sum in all Asia!’

“the GI says, ‘what you talking about?’

“‘Lump-sum, best Lump-sum in all of China! I cook masta’. best dish Lump-sum for all he give his China servant!’

“GI looked at the spoon, then the stew-pot, and says, ‘well I’ll be damn!'”

Brown let out a guffaw laugh and jabbed Ezra with a comradery punch.

Ezra stared at Brown who was shaking from laughter.  A moment later the Brown, slowed his chuckling enough to see that Ezra was staring blankly at him.

“Don’t ‘ya get it, Ezra?”

“Uh, did the GI get his money or not?”

Brown couldn’t believe it.  He had spun one of his best China stories on Ezra, and he didn’t get it.  It was Brown’s turn to be puzzled.  He tried to explain.  “See, Ezra, you know, LUMP-SUM (Brown doing a terrible, squint-eyed imitation of aChinese), Ahhh, Lump-Sum, gooood Chihhhhneeesssss dish!”

“Ain’t no such dish as lump-sum.”

“No, hell, Ezra, Lump-sum. Lump-Sum. LUMP-SUM! get it? The GI thought the Chinaman was gonna give him a big bunch of money but he gave him some cooked goat!” Brown gave his companion a look of exasperation. “You could say that GI got his goat!” With that he laughed out loud again.

Ezra thought a moment and then a smile crept across his face.

“Oh, I get it.  Yeah, sure, lump-sum. lump-sum. He got, goat. I get it.” Ezra chuckled in such a half-hearted fashion that Brown wondered if he understood or was just covering up.

The two sat there a couple of minutes.  Brown watched Ezra, who just chucked and mumbled, “lump-sum.  lump sum.”

Losing patience and fearing disaster if he tried another silly story out on his hick-town team-mate, Brown pulled himself to his feet beside the jeep.  “Ezra,” he says, “You’re somethin’.  We been hangin’ around this-man’s-army for two years and you aint’ got your funny-bone fixed yet!  God love him, some day I’m gonna figure him out!”  With that Brown gave Ezra another fatherly pat a little too forcefully.  It knocked Ezra sideways in the seat.

Ezra lost his balance and tumbled out of the jeep into the dust. For once, they both laughed, as much at the situation as at each other. Ezra followed Brown into their hut.