About Idiots – Back Days

I’m not an idiot. Well, that probably depends on who you ask, what time of day it is or whether or not I’ve had my coffee but, I think, I’m no idiot. I don’t think most folks are idiots, either. Notwithstanding some of the people behind the wheels of the small cars who pull in front of the tractor-trailer rig I drive. My trusty electronic dictionary defines “idiot” as one who is foolish or stupid. Or one so mentally disabled (to use the politically correct term) so as not to be able to ever learn to read or write. The tome of knowledge I consulted even goes so far as to state that “the term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.”* So why is it that one of the most popular series of books of this educated age, the age of political correctness, begins each title with “The Complete Idiot’s guide to….”

I remember the days of old, some ten or fifteen years or so ago, give or take, when a quaint book appeared on the shelves of the local chain store. Wasn’t it something like The Idiot’s Guide to Computers, or maybe to DOS? Gee, remember DOS? Anyway, it was a novel idea. Computers have made idiots of us all. But recently I wandered into a book store not searching for anything in particular but mostly killing time and I saw around me on the shelves more than a dozen or so “Idiot” books. No subject seemed immune to being simplified for idiots. I was intrigued so I rushed home and dialed up the grand-pappy of on-line book sellers and entered the words “Idiot’s guide” in the search box. The result sent chills up my spine!

Seven hundred,and eight matches. And more, the most popular listed is one I’d noticed on the shelf: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to The Bible. Now come on, Idiot’s guide to the Bible? The next one down was for world religions and the third most popular was for Catholicism. Father, forgive me, but I must confess, I have yet to open the first page of ANY idiot’s guide book. I feel insulted by the whole idea of an idiot’s guide. Still, it was funny in the beginning. But leave it to the American public to crave excess and far be it from publishers to fail to provide the objects for which people crave. But it’s just not funny any more.

Sure, I get it. After all, I’m not an idiot, you know. It’s just a clever way to indicate that a book contains a simplified explanation of the subject, whatever it may be from the Bible to Sex, to computers, to Karma Sutra. I was tempted to find out about that last one but never mind. Browsing through the subjects of Idiot’s Guides, I just couldn’t stop shaking my head. There was the usual, computer and software related stuff. There were books on fly fishing and weight lifting. There was one which might be a nice book about not talking life too seriously and I might be tempted to read it were the title not Planet Idiot. Poking fun at computer illiteracy is fine. Some subjects, however, should not be the subject of idiot books, no matter how well intentioned. There’s one for Adoption, a difficult, serious, and painful process. And not only is there one for the Bible and religion, there’s even one on prayer. The review says, “this may seem like a crass and commercial undertaking….” I say, sure, it IS a crass and commercial undertaking. There was a time when such books would bring about boycotts of bookstores and protest from the faithful. Not today. Nothing is sacred, not even the life of Christ. At least The Compete Idiot’s Guide to the Life of Christ makes a teensy bit of sense. Didn’t he say he came for the weak and infirm? Does that include idiots?

Surviving divorce, surviving breast cancer, Karate, massage, they’re all there. By the way, what is C++? Is that a really GOOD average grade? What ever it is, there’s a guide for it. There’s the Idiot’s Guide to Cigars. And then the one to help you quit them, the Idiot’s Guide to Quitting Smoking. Oh, sorry, those are COMPLETE idiot’s guides. Not just for ordinary idiots. We can debate the lunacy of smoking cigars but I tend to think quitting is not idiotic at all. Oh well. There’s Rock Climbing. Now there’s a fun idea. Want to be on the other end of a rope from the guy who reads that one? You might need the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Managing Stress!

There are audio Idiot’s guides. I suppose if one too stupid to read one might be able to play a tape. And Pocket Idiot guides. Now those threw me until I realized they were NOT referring to someone who keeps his idiocy in his pocket. Or an idiot who lives in a pocket. Whatever. One title very nearly twisted my head off. It was Guide to the Perfect Latin American Idiot. One reader/reviewer wrote of it: “A satirical, academic, total undermining of leftist political ideology existing in Latin America.” A high-falootin’ comment from someone who misspelled satirical and ideology. I corrected them. I can’t see how Latin Americans can’t help but be offended, no matter the content.

Ah, here’s a good one: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Fixing Your Fucked Up PC. That conjures up some pretty Fucking funny images, eh? Which is my point. Part of it. We can laugh at people who are frustrated with their computer. We should not laugh at people who want children (adoption) or are dealing with divorce or cancer. Should I find a book in my mail box entitled Complete Idiot’s Guide to Grief after I lost someone special to me, you can be sure that I would tell the sender to stick it up his ass.

I know what the problem is. It’s that American of philosophies, if it sells, sell it. Or, anything for a buck. I don’t fault publishers for latching on to the idea. The books might be good and the title just a way to get someone to read them. I don’t know. It still bothers me. Maybe I’m old fashioned. Maybe I’m sensitive to being called an idiot. I just wonder where the lines are. Once upon a time there were lines. Some of them were terribly wrong, but they were clear. Once upon a time elders were respected and children were taught to say ma’am or sir. It was not acceptable to be rude or to put Idiot in a book title. But listen to me; I am a truck driver. We all know what people say about truck drivers. Maybe I’m just jealous because I haven’t come up with a clever idea for an Idiot book. How about Complete Idiot’s Guide to Driving Tractor-Trailers? Isn’t that scary? Or maybe, Complete Idiot’s Guide to Idiot’s Guides. Somebody probably already wrote that one. I don’t know for sure, though. I gave up looking at titles around the four hundred mark. I felt like an idiot and moved on to something else.

There was the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Verbal Self Defense. I suppose that is a book on how to use all of the little symbols above the letters, not just the pound sign, dollar sign and the percent sign. I find it poignant that the blurb on the back of that book says, “You’re no idiot, of course.” Of course. So why call me one? Oh, Verbal Self Defense. I see. How about Complete Idiot’s Guide to Re-incarnation? Or, Don’t be an Idiot in the next life like you’ve been in this one. OK, that I made up. It goes on, from I-Ching to investing. Too much, just too much.

So what’s the point? The point is, um, I forget the point. Oh yeah, some subjects lend themselves to idiot books and some people are idiots for making idiot books for some subjects. I have learned a few things. Not the least of which I learned a host of synonyms for Idiot, all useful for verbal self defense. Guess that’s one Idiot book I won’t need. I doubt that I’ll be buying any of the other seven hundred and seven titles either. I just can’t bring myself to it. But I’m not averse to my own crass commercialism if I can make the proverbial buck. And I came up with an Idiot’s Guide I might write. The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Idiots. Sure as I sent that manuscript in, though, some smart ass publisher would add his own subtitle: “takes one to know one.” Go figure.